It has taken me a very long while to be able to say, 'I will not dwell in the past, nor will I waste my time being attached to the hurt and pain.'
Today is one of those days that my mind wonders and wanders but I am OK. I was married at 21. My son was born 3 years later. I remember that day well - like it was yesterday. He was a cutie. Six months later his Dad and I separated. There is so much more to the story, of course, but today is my son's birthday.
|1981 My First Mother's Day|
As any other mother, that was not given that manual at the hospital or later with the divorce, I made a shit load of mistakes BUT did the best I could with everything I knew, and everything I had, to do the best I could. To anyone out there: follow your heart. I was a single parent most of his first 18 years.
During the end of my second marriage, he went to live with his Dad. From that point, our relationship went down hill. I always prayed that time was on my side and it would turn around but 12 years later, it hasn't.
I've always been a big card sender. So in the beginning I'd send a card every Hallmark holiday and then every birthday and Christmas. In the beginning, I still shopped on birthdays and Christmas. Then it just became a Christmas ornament. Every move I made, these wrapped gifts (got boxed up) came along with me. Every card I sent went unacknowledged. There were not cards, gifts or even a call to me for my birthday or holidays.
As I started this journey, and started to clean out the shed, I came across these plastic storage bins of unopened wrapped gifts I'd been holding on to for 12 years!
|2000 Mother's Day|
KEY WORD: holding on! It is with great sadness, today, I am acknowledging that I must and am letting go.
From things I hear, I don't know him anymore. I am not around so it is easy to blame, distort and live in a place of hurt and pain. But that is not a healthy place for me... I have to set my spirit free. Moments out of my control are talked about with dates, times and people like it just happened. Things where I came through are forgotten but that's OK, I did what I could as a mother. It was my job.
I wish my son a very Happy Birthday. I wish him a good life and pray that life is good to him. "I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be." (Robert Munsch)
|I am that which has emerged from the fire.|