It has taken me a very long while to be able to say, 'I will not dwell in the past, nor will I waste my time being attached to the hurt and pain.'
Today is one of those days that my mind wonders and wanders but I am OK. I was married at 21. My son was born 3 years later. I remember that day well - like it was yesterday. He was a cutie. Six months later his Dad and I separated. There is so much more to the story, of course, but today is my son's birthday.
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| 1981 My First Mother's Day |
As any other mother, that was not given that manual at the hospital or later with the divorce, I made a shit load of mistakes BUT did the best I could with everything I knew, and everything I had, to do the best I could. To anyone out there: follow your heart. I was a single parent most of his first 18 years.
During the end of my second marriage, he went to live with his Dad. From that point, our relationship went down hill. I always prayed that time was on my side and it would turn around but 12 years later, it hasn't.
I've always been a big card sender. So in the beginning I'd send a card every Hallmark holiday and then every birthday and Christmas. In the beginning, I still shopped on birthdays and Christmas. Then it just became a Christmas ornament. Every move I made, these wrapped gifts (got boxed up) came along with me. Every card I sent went unacknowledged. There were not cards, gifts or even a call to me for my birthday or holidays.
As I started this journey, and started to clean out the shed, I came across these plastic storage bins of unopened wrapped gifts I'd been holding on to for 12 years!
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| 2000 Mother's Day |
KEY WORD: holding on! It is with great sadness, today, I am acknowledging that I must and am letting go.
From things I hear, I don't know him anymore. I am not around so it is easy to blame, distort and live in a place of hurt and pain. But that is not a healthy place for me... I have to set my spirit free. Moments out of my control are talked about with dates, times and people like it just happened. Things where I came through are forgotten but that's OK, I did what I could as a mother. It was my job.
So.... today:
I wish my son a very Happy Birthday. I wish him a good life and pray that life is good to him. "I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be." (Robert Munsch)
love ya
meanwhile:
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| I am that which has emerged from the fire. |
(((hugs)))... I'm just now reading this. I lost track of you blog page at one point because I think I thought you had closed it down for some remodeling...?..not sure. Came here while doing some 'catch up' time on your fb page. Good for you for letting go! It is the right and healthy thing to do for YOU! I know - because I'm going through the same thing with my daughter. Sometimes, life is not a Hallmark Card, and sometimes not all families are wonderful and loving and good to each other. And no matter the mistakes of a parent, in the end, the child uses his/her own brain to make his/her own decisions and the children create their own world and life - without the parent being a part of it. We stand there, looking around at our life that has these empty places without them in it. And one day we suddenly look at our self, and we say, "Hey, I still have ME!". And so we fill up our life, with our own self. I think it's called "living" - which is what everyone else around us is busy doing, so, we decide we might as well do it too.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult for me when I read friends posts on fb of all the loving times with children and grandchildren, and I can't relate or share the same. But, I choose to be happy for them, and be happy for myself with that which is mine to be happy with and about. Some days I fear my heart is growing 'cold' because of what I no longer "feel". Then I realize, no, it's not growing cold - it just isn't hurting anymore, it's not bleeding anymore. I'm basically having to get used to feeling "well" and "whole" again, after being broken and near death for so many years. Feeling good is odd to me still - but I'm getting used to it more and more each day!
You are not alone.... many parents have had to accept the loss of their living child. In the end, we have a right to keep living, and to seek to make our life to still be filled with happiness and joy and inner peace. Sometimes, letting go is the very best thing to do! Again, (((hugs))) to you.
Thank you so much!!!
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